Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Princess Bride ( To The Pain )

There are questions and thoughts that are, and have been, festering in the back of my brain for quite some time. it's official, the verdict is in. Not guilty.

From a spiritual stand point, it is our understanding that we choose our lives before we come in here with signed contracts on the lessons we learn. I am not only having doubts about this it is quite the rancorous infected thorn in my mind. This case with the Anthony's is sore point because I have already experienced a loss in my life with murder and children involved. In 1995 I was in love with a man who had a beautiful 8 year old child.

I remember kissing him good bye and saying call me when you guys get back in town. I remember wanting to say I love you but stopping instead to say that I had just noticed he was dichromatic. I had issues back then with being in love and admitting it to my beloved. I also remember seeing black in my mind's eye and wanting to say don't go home. Something was going to happen and I was not experienced enough with the way my filter's spoke to know that death was coming.

I remember Monday night coming and going with out a phone call and thinking that maybe he was not calling because he had just got in and was tucking in his little one. Maybe he was tired. Maybe it was a rough ride and he didn't want to pollute my mood with his bad mood, maybe maybe maybe. There were a thousand of them and there was a hole I couldn't name.

I got a phone call early Tuesday Morning. . . " Hello, we are so sorry, but we need to talk to you about Mike." It was the Tempe Police. They didn't at first tell me he was dead or that his son was dead. They left me grasping in the pitch black for sanity while I was trying to find out if he was ok. They did tell me he was dead eventually and my entire being fell to the floor like an ash heap. It took me years to get over their murder.

Even then, I remember hearing things like: we all choose our lives before we get here. I don't think that we choose to come into this life to experience being murdered! I think that Mike and his son and me and Caylee and everyone around these people have been robbed! Caylee would be one year older than my youngest. She would be going to kindergarten this year. All the children that she would have been in class with have been deprived of any lesson Caylee would have had to teach them!

I think that things like this spiritual contract thing are said to help us deal with the chaos that free choice brings to our world on occasion. I suppose it is easier to say this than to try to understand that sometimes some humans make very bad choices and perform deeds of evil. Is Casey Anthony guilty? I don't know. . . I have deliberately avoided this trial like the plague because of my own pain. That kind of pain never really leaves you. . . the break downs do space out and when they leak in, the length of the break down is not as long. The pain is just as intense. The numbness of not understanding why you were robbed does not go away. I have been fortunate. The people around me have helped to heal me.

I do know that something monstrous happened to that child. I do know that someone performed those acts that robbed this world. Who ever is the guilty party, I hope that you suffer never ending thorns and ever growing infections from the wounds you created! Then To the Pain!

I know not very spiritual of me.

Sorry, but that's how I feel.


  1. I agree - I would condemn to her to the Christian version of hell if I believed in it.

  2. Even if a jury says innocent, karma will not let wrongs go unpunished.

  3. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I too weigh no creedance in sayings like "time heels all wounds" as sometimes an eternity couldn't. My belief. Saddest above and beyond all with this Anthony case is that most will forget dear little Caylee, yet none will forget Casey and her parents. Is truly saddening.

  4. I don't even have enough words of comfort to give you sweetie because I can't begin to imagine what it felt like or still feels like. I wrestle myself with the whole life contract thing because so much of life's tragedies don't make sense. I think we say these things as a way of explanation which is really just a cover up of the reality. I watched the trial and still feel confused as to what really happen...i don't think we will ever know. I am so sorry for your loss and the lost lives that were so unnecessary. :( Thank you for sharing this, I know if couldn't have been easy. ((Hugs))

  5. This is extremely spiritual of you. Our spirituality, our path, deeply concerns our emotions and history. We don't deny it, we embrace it, and you have.

    Yes, there are people who say how wrong it is to wish harm upon another being, and it very well may be wrong. But to whom? Why? Not because we answer to a higher being necessarily, but because we believe that what you send out, you will get back (golden rule, law of three, karma, whatever you wish to call it.)

    I guess what I'm saying is, if you're OK with having to handle anything that comes back to you due to your feelings, then go for it! On the other hand, you don't seem to be wanting to harm anyone, only see justice done for what the guilty party (you didn't accuse anyone) obviously did.

    I think you're spot on.

  6. Every person has a role to play in this world I believe. Right now we do not know what this little one's role really was. Maybe her job was to get us all together thinking about this type of thing. To bring this out in the open so that so many others who are still suffering, or being hurt can be discovered. I cannot begin to know the loss you have, I do feel however that this is part of the circle of life, and I agree that someone should be held accountable for this loss. I'm just glad it was not me who had to sit through this case and decide the fate of another.

    Blessed Be

  7. Hey sweets! I have an award for you, come pick it up :)