Friday, December 17, 2010
Last of the Lead is Near!
The longest night in the season comes, and I know that while I am experiencing this darkness as the moon eclipses I hope to shift things. I have been experiencing some heavy Saturn like influences and that is no surprise to me seeing as how I have been working with a version of the Lead Pentacle. It's no surprise that I feel weighted, bound and contained. I knew this was going to happen and I was encouraged by my guides to continue the process. "Really look at that which you bind yourself with. You tied these knots and only you can untie them. Best to do it now before the moon changes her face" Admittedly, this has NOT been a very fun process, but how am I supposed to shift things in my life if I do not understand the knots I tied myself with?
I feel very much like that woman in the tarot deck. Bound to her chair with a blind fold on and her back to the sea. I have felt like that almost my entire life. I have permitted myself to be restrained by the opinion and judgement of others from the time I was a child. I think in some manner we all are like this. We listen to our parents opinions of us when they think we are not listening. It rolls over to our peers in school, then to our co workers and mates. As a Gemini I think I have taken this to an extreme and allowed myself to emotionally become this Woman in the Two of Swords card: a sacrifice to the sea. Allowing each year a piece of me to be beaten away by the waves. Circumstance has ruled my life, instead of cultivating opportunity, I remained frozen in my chair waiting for the next wave hoping it won't take too much away with its ebb. It's no wonder I am not ready to teach. It's no wonder why my Oath Mother has decided I need time to myself.
While I feel like I am the Bound woman with the seas to my back, I don't allow myself to behave as though I am her. I am not her, these are demons from my past. Things created early in life where things were not always up to me. During my Feri training I have learned plenty about these self created demons and handled many of them, but I never really felt strong enough to deal with this one, the Oldest and most potent of them. This one is the one that whispers: "You're not worthy. You're not good enough. You can't do anything right. You will never finish anything or amount to anything. " This year, as the Full Moon eclipses on Yule, this demon will be faced and handled appropriately. All the circumstances in my life have lined up for this to happen. Literally! I would be a fool not to take advantage of the celestial help to do so. I have even been left standing alone for it. Which is appropriate. I must do this alone.
There have been some very positive things about working with circumstance. I have learned how to work with what I have and make the most of it. I have learned to ebb and flow like seaweed in the ocean and not be torn up by the root. I have learned how not to waste anything, not a moment, not a dime, a box or kindness done. I have learned how to take rough rocks and make them shine. I have learned how to make unrelated scraps into a treasure. I have learned to let that which is poisonous leave. I have learned that sometimes poison is the cure. These are all very valuable lessons reaped, but it is time to shift.
While this process I have taken working with the Lead Pentacle has been very unpleasant, it has been important. I don't recommend just going out and working with the Lead Pentacle to anyone. Not without a strong support system, a strong sense of purpose and a specific time frame for it to begin and end because it is literally heavy weighted stuff and can pull you under in a heart beat and drown you. It brings depressive self pity at times, tears and and anger are also dominate here. Without a sense of why you are doing this, your anger and tears will be wasted and misdirected. You can do grave emotional damage to yourself and those around you. Done correctly does not mean there will be no tears and anger. . . those are inevitable, it just means that you will be angry and sad for the correct reasons and you will chose to use that as fuel to get the right thing for the right reason done. I have been doing heavy kala work while I put myself through this process to help flush out the toxins this work brings to surface.
This full moon Yule eclipse signals the conclusion of my Lead Pentacle work. I will follow this work up with heavy Kala work, and heavy emphasis on both the Iron and Pearl Pentacles. I will also follow this work up with other activities: following my bliss ( responsibly of course.)
I wish all of you a much more Jupiter influenced Yule season and hope fine things are on the horizon for everyone ( me included.) I will be taking an internet break starting tomorrow so I can spend time with my family and prepare for my final Lead work.
Merry Yule and Happy New Year!