Monday, May 5, 2014

What happened???

Trigger warning: domestic abuse

Where to begin on this is difficult to say. I can hardly believe that this is my life. Witches don't like admitting bad things happen to them because they tend to think that this isn't supposed to happen to me. . . I'm a witch. My oath mother reminded me that just because you are a potent witch does not mean bad things are not going to happen to you. It just means that you will have help enduring and dealing out the cards when that time comes.

Well you got it. Something terrible happened to me. I was warned even. I remember my first warning came right after I was married. I had a reading done at Vision Quest and the reader abruptly stopped and said: Your guides do not like your husband AT ALL! I was shocked and bewildered. How could my guides wait to tell me this after I was married . . . I decided that what ever was to come was to come. My next warning came to me in the shower as my sister was divorcing her abusive husband. I got this flash of an image and a very clear resonant voice that told me he would turn against me. I decided that I was being paranoid because of what I had seen my sister have to survive. There were other warnings I received. . . some from friends who knew my husband before I did, one from an employer who asked if I was returning to work because I was looking for a new husband. My mother warned me when we sold the car in my name that I was being isolated, I had no previous evidence that he was domestically abusive. Our relationship at that point was good. I was warned again after I told my mother that the house we just bought was only in his name. He had sprung that one one me at the last minute after I asked why I wasn't signing with him. We had a big fight in the car about it on the way back to the apartment we had already given our 30 day notice to. He had me sign a paper that said I had no interest in the house, if I didn't sign it, the house would go into foreclosure because the loan would fall through. My sister told me to get a go bag together and start taking notes. Even as I clawed and scraped to keep our marriage together I never imagined that it was as bad as it was until I was removed from the situation and could step back to see what had manifested. SO this is what has been going on:

On September 11, 20012 my husband came home and jerked me out of my sleep. He held me down and as I struggled to get away from him he had his way with me and then went to sleep without a word as I cried. The next day I was furious. I went to my neighbors house in tears and when he asked what happened I couldn't tell him. I couldn't believe it had happened. I was afraid, ashamed, and was left wondering what I did to deserve that sort of treatment. I watched an episode of Twilight Zone with him and went home. I called my Mother and asked her to come pick me and the kids up and then later in the after noon after trying several times to pack bags for me and the kids I had talked myself out of it and convinced myself that it was all a terrible mistake. I was wrong. . . I should have kept packing. My husband made no admission to any wrong doing and to this day denies he committed evil against me. Everyone around me knew something was terribly wrong.

The next year dragged on. I became sick at the drop of a hat and, in fact, two weeks after my husband raped me, I had a heart attack sitting in my neighbor's living room. I walked home that night, no ambulance called, no understanding of what had just happened. You see, women experience heart attacks differently than men. The next morning I decided I didn't get to ignore what had happened and started looking up the symptoms of what I experienced. After discovering it was a heart attack I made a doctor's appointment. My husband took me. I now realize he went with me to be certain I didn't report being raped.

During the next year that I tried to 'fix' what couldn't be fixed. I endured my husband threatening me at the stupidest things. I was in the car with him one evening and on the news flash blurb there was a mention of yet another child who died in a hot car because a parent left the child in the car. I remember saying I didn't understand why people do that and my husband's mood suddenly shifted on me. His tone frighteningly menacing. He told me he would end me if I ever did anything like that. There were several different occasions he threatened me in this manner. It was all I will end you, I will make your life hell and I will destroy you. It was shocking and frightening. I didn't know what was happening with my husband. I began to think maybe this was his writing partner's influence. She had always given me a grave sense of dread any time she came over.

I began to oscillate between deep despair and anger. I had no idea what was happening to me. I couldn't make it stop. I meditated, I did reiki on myself, but I still couldn't bring myself to tell anyone what had happened to me. Everyone around me knew something had happened. I began to not be able to eat and the chronic pain aspect of my fibromyalgia became increasingly difficult to handle. I dropped 30 pounds in about a month and a half. I went from 120 lbs to 90. When my mood would swing I would ask out loud what was wrong with me and my husband responded with a cold: I think you are done. Done???? Done with what, but by this time I was afraid of what he would do. His mood had been cold and sinister at the time. I was suffering from battered woman syndrome and PTSD unbeknownst to me at the time. On September 11, 2013. . . Oya showed up. It wasn't until much later that I would understand why. I think her presence may have saved my life. She showed up because not only was my life in danger, I was willing to handle everyone else's sexual assault but my own.

The day I was served with divorce papers my husband had cut me off from the world. He disconnected my cell phone. I received one final text from a friend who had a weird feeling and thought she should see if I was okay and the next thing I knew my phone wasn't working. I tried to get online and discovered that the server name had been changed to "connect so I can hack you" and the password changed. I thought that it was the work of someone else. I had no idea it was my husband. I managed to get a hold of my oath mother and friend who took my to my husband's place of work to get some billing information from his laptop so I could fix the mess. He was not there. I had this sinking feeling. I was wondering on the trip home if I had caught him in an affair. Not long after I got back to the house, I was served divorce papers by a man in a white ball cap. I was reminded of the horrific short films my husband and his partner made about killing his wife and my oath mother told me to pack what I could and get out. We waited for the children to come home. The school buses came and left. No children of mine got off. The papers said he was asking for everything. . . the kids the house, the car; our things all of them he was demanding. ( and the courts gave all of those things to him in spite of the fact this is a community property state.) I stared at the floor wondering if it was even real as I called my mom and told her where I would be. She picked me up a couple hours later and brought me to Tucson. I sat in the passenger seat in utter disbelief. My husband was my enemy. After Thanksgiving, I was served with an order of protection at my parent's home in Tucson. My husband claimed that he was afraid I was going to commit an act of domestic violence against him.

It wouldn't be until December 13th that I would see my children. My husband had taken them out of school and sequestered them at his girl friend's house the day he had me served. I was December 31st when I discovered for true that my husband had been having an affair with his writing partner since 2009. My sister pointed out all the signs and I thought I had died inside. It wouldn't be until January 4th that my daughter would tell me that she had been spying on my for the last two years via text for her father. She related to me how he had told her I was the reason she was being bullied at school and how he told her he was afraid I was going to kill him and hurt her and her little brother. He told her I was an alcoholic, a drug addict and mentally unstable. He told her that I was going to accuse him of sexual harassment. She sat there in tears, afraid I was mad at her and that the divorce was her fault. January 4th was also the first time I got to have my children stay with me. To this day I only see my children twice a month for the weekend.

I am still fighting for my children. . . they should not be with a man who performs psychological, emotional, and sexual abuses. I fear what he will do to our daughter. He is already trying to emotionally manipulate her. He has tried to turn our children against me. I feel like there is so much that I have left out of this horror story including the injustices within the family court system. I know I haven't talked about the shell game he played with our money and the assets he's hidden, and the things he has told other people about me. He left me with no resources for a lawyer while his girlfriend paid for his and she plays mom to our kids. It's like he sold not only his soul to her, but our children as well. I am still trying to find a lawyer who can help me. I have rattled all the chains and all that is left are people who expect payment. .  not that I blame them. Everyone has bills to pay, but a woman with no job and no money can't afford to pay a lawyer for the proper defense in court. . . just like he planned.

You see not only do abusers never stop. . . most of them plan their attacks. My husband sees himself on the brink of success and he can't afford to take the woman he abused along with him. It would ruin his image and it's all about image. I am continuing my counseling and I am getting acupuncture treatment for the PTSD. I am slowly recovering. I am working toward vindication.

I asked my mother what the purpose of all those warnings were if a domestically abused woman in the moment doesn't believe them. She told me that sometimes a thing must take its course and the warnings are to soften the blow so you can survive. She would know, she's psychic herself and has tried to shift things over her life's experience. But mostly the effect was to soften the harshness to come. I survived this, but now I want to thrive with my children at my side. They shouldn't have to live with an abuser.

I don't share this for pity. I share this as an illustration that Domestic Violence can hide in any home. Be aware of the signs. . . seriously. I am not going to post them here because I know that making you do the work will make you remember better. It's like when I was a kid and I asked how to spell something. Dad would tell me to go look it up. After I did, I remembered it better a whole lot better. So go; get on google, bing, aol whatever it takes and type in " signs of domestic abuse" "Symptoms of a psychopath" go now. . .  flee fly flo! It could be your sister, mother, daughter you are saving!


  1. Mine did not plan as well as your did. But his behavior escalated to the point I was afraid for my life.

    It's frightening how they can and do twist everything you say and do for their own purposes.

  2. It's alarming to me that a person who continually assured me he loved me could be so duplicitous and and twisted. I know how you feel when you talk about fearing for your life. My husband and his writing partner wrote and filmed a few disturbing short films about murder one of which involved the main character's wife being killed on their anniversary.