Thursday, May 8, 2014

My New Crown of Horns

   I am trying to keep busy and my chin up. The more I feel stuck and betrayed by both system ( family court) and the person I believed loved me, the thicker the atmosphere becomes around making it hard for me to feel as though I can move forward. How is it in a community property state that a woman married to a man 13 years gets nothing? My ex husband has managed to get exactly what he wanted for quite some time I am guessing. Me gone and all the rewards that we earned together. He built the life he has now on my back and is now dancing on the grave he dug for me with his girlfriend trying to be our children's mother. The system does not work. . . in fact I think all the "crazy people" who claim that it is not only broken, but corrupt, I am starting to think that they may be the only sane ones around any more.

I made a grave error here. I remained silent about what was happening to me. It was the silence that did me in. It's amazing to me how during the marriage and separation how he went right down the abuser check list including trying to have me psychologically evaluated because, in his opinion, I have an undiagnosed mental illness when in fact it was his behavior that pushed everything to the limits of sanity. What I have learned is that all the psychological, emotional, and even sexual abuses he meted out without feeling he has done anything wrong whittles down to one fine poin: I may be dealing with a psychopath. Yup, that's right I spent the last fourteen years with a man who is potentially truly evil and I spent the entire time trying to figure out what it was I was doing wrong. Turns out that sometimes. . . it's really not you.

So how do you deal with a psychopath? The truth is no one should deal with them. Period. You should walk away, however I am cornered into the next 12 years or so ( our youngest is 7) with dealing with him. I fear the destruction he will bring to that child's mind and soul over the course of that time. I see the bullying behavior start in him. I see that my ex husband is beginning to treat our daughter with the cold shoulder because she refuses to bend to his favor. She's 14 and she sees the pattern that started with her older brother, rolled off to me, and now has fallen squarely on her. I see that our youngest is being groomed to be our daughter's co abuser. All the signs are there, yet even the children's counselor won't listen to me. While the counselor had a full face to face conversation with my husband, he made no move to contact me. I had to call him up and have him call me back to talk with me and even so he tried to fireside chat with me with no notes about our children's case in front of him and then had the audacity to tell me that my husband has a long laundry list on me and completely blew me off . . . of course he does! It's what abusers do. It's called institutional grooming. That and the counselor feels beholden to my ex because guess who is paying him?

Which one is Nalaya??? O_o???
There are things I need to do to move forward: get employment, get a car, heal. . . my levels of trust in humanity are at an all time low. My trust in my ability to get things done are pretty much swirling as well, but that's exactly how my abuser wants me to feel. If he can't have me exactly the way he wants me no one else can so he has tried to destroy me. What??? He thought I was a Stepford wife. . . or he could make me be one???? Hrm. I guess in some twisted sick manner it's a good thing that he felt pushed like this. .  . he does after all complain to our daughter that "it's all my fault, I made him do this." What am I the devil???

That's right. People of Odd hear ye, hear ye! The Devil has arrived with glistening horns to take her throne in Hell! I just love the quip I saw out of Robin Artisson awhile back ago on Facebook. A woman told him there was a special place in Hell for him. He answered: " It's called a throne." Well, I guess now I get to take my special place betwixt Heaven and Hell and live up to the horns my ex has crowned me with. May he have night terrors from now to kingdom come! Whenever that is. Maybe if I do my hair right I can show them off better.


  1. He sounds like my ex boyfriends ex wife. Especially the part where if they can't have you then no one else should. They are both evil! I wish you the best! & know that his true colors will shine thru!

  2. Good to see you back, dear one, but I wish it was under better circumstances. Having also loved a psychopath, I sympathise and scream with you. Sending you much strength, as always, and hugs, love and Yorkshire tea from this side of the pond. (A bit of beeswax will bring those horns up a treat, by the way!)

  3. Mrs. Oddly, I understand exactly where you are coming from. I have that tee shirt..2 infact because I divorced mine and was dumb enough to re-marry him. I finally got rid of him only because he met someone who had inherited money. (He'd run through what I got when my parents died.) So he threw me out after more than 40 years. I was retired from one job and had to get another. But I'm here, and can say that I'm okay. Karma is working on him though. The next wife left after 5 years & now he's got another. He lost the house and has had a bout with cancer. Meanwhile I'm good. Not rich, have to watch my spending, but I'm free.
    Post script... The three children are grown and have disowned him.

  4. thank you. . . I have bad days still, but I am working on getting better. BTW for anyone suffering from PTSD, I highly recommend acupuncture. Awww come on I know you want to come practice being a voodoo doll with me. :)