Monday, December 16, 2013


I know I have been quiet for some time, with good reason. My husband is divorcing me and I feel like he has dropped me on my head after ripping out my heart, stomping on it and then spitting on it. I have been a stay at home mom for the last six years and this has left me destitute, without the children, and unable to afford a lawyer.  The way this has been conducted suggests a long planning time. We were supposed to be getting marriage counseling. . . not a divorce. So now here I am, kicked out of my home and without anything to my name. He's taken out an order of protection against me unjustly stating that he fears domestic violence when, in fact, he was the one who committed evil against me. I thought I could heal, but I underestimated the potency of the poison he poured into us. I should have left him when this happened. I know that, but I genuinely thought we could heal this together, but he claimed at the time and to this day he can't recall what happened that night. He left me with no one to talk to about this. I was ashamed it happened. The more I look at this marriage now, the more I think he wanted out, but his Catholic upbringing would not allow it unless I were a threat to his and or the children's security. Hence, the false pretenses at the hearing for the order of protection the other day. I think he deliberately and diligently is trying to smear me into the earth. I think he cultivated this moment. I think he cultivated anger in hopes of provoking a violence that would never come. I think he had help devising his plans.

There is deception here, lots of it. I have been smelling it for quite sometime and I have not been able to put my finger on it. I never knew it was so close or intimate. He did a great job in dodging and hoodwinking me with a sense of logic that eased what he called my paranoia. I guess I am not paranoid. Just plotted against. It turns out my intuition and the cards were correct. I thought that I was seeing with a veiled eye because of the fear I was steeped in. I really thought I was just being paranoid after what happened to my sister.

My answer to all of this is a simple healer's answer right now, try to see if there is a possibility of healing. Hopefully, I can call him back to himself. He has changed since working with his partner quite a bit. He went from family values to business needs values. I need to see if he can come back to himself, to us, to family. My family must think I have lost my mind, but I still have my sanity cup firmly in hand whispering words of healing. They have been amazingly supportive emotionally and I have been surrounded by amazing healers gently helping me pick up my heart. I am going to counseling to help me. I think it's the first thing I have actually done for myself in a long time. Everything has been about the family.

Is this the shamanic death I was told was coming? Very possibly. What ever happens here, whether we work it out and find us again or not, I am irrevocably changed. I am grateful for this experience. I know that sounds strange, but I have known and experienced light and goodness. . it has been imprinted upon me. Now I know darkness and evil. It has touched me and yet I remain, heart broken, but I am still here. Knowing and experiencing something are two very different things. Knowing is sort of an abstract external thing where as what I have experience goes beyond the mind; it has been branded upon my soul. As I move forward from here, there will be no more doubt about the evils of this physical reality. I will feel it to my essential core and not wonder if I am being paranoid. I also know that my faith is not a hobby. I speak to the Gods about this and what this is. They keep encouraging me to move forward and not sit still; continue the work, they say. Adhere to the old ways. Walk a path of love, honor and order. Somehow this, whatever it is and whatever the end result, will be okay. The world is not over and neither am I.

So right now yes, I have been made homeless and destitute and robbed of my children, this will heal and we will all move forward. I intend to do so with grace and integrity in spite of the dirty play and deception I have been shown for my years of helping my husband building a life he desires.

I am sorry I have been distant and I will probably be more silent than usual, but know that I am healing and grateful for the company you all have kept me here on the interwebs. It has kept me close to who I am and what I am about. Somehow, in my marriage, I went from serving others to self sacrifice. I don't know how or when that happened, but I am changing that. I am owning this because I must if I expect to learn from this fallen tower. I have allowed my husband to dig me a grave and put me in it in the name of family. I have allowed him to profane the word family. Family is supposed to mean love. I love him too much and too well.

Now it's time to reclaim the true meaning of family and try to heal this if I can, if I can get him to want  to heal too. What he did to us is a double edged sword. That night he sliced me, he also sliced himself.

 Ohana: no one gets left behind or forgotten.

Family means love.

Love makes things grow.

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