What happened???

Trigger warning: domestic abuse






Where to begin on this is difficult to say. I can hardly believe that this is my life. Witches don't like admitting bad things happen to them because they tend to think that this isn't supposed to happen to me. . . I'm a witch. My oath mother reminded me that just because you are a potent witch does not mean bad things are not going to happen to you. It just means that you will have help enduring and dealing out the cards when that time comes.

Well you got it. Something terrible happened to me. I was warned even. I remember my first warning came right after I was married. I had a reading done at Vision Quest and the reader abruptly stopped and said: Your guides do not like your husband AT ALL! I was shocked and bewildered. How could my guides wait to tell me this after I was married . . . I decided that what ever was to come was to come. My next warning came to me in the shower as my sister was divorcing her abusive husband. I got this flash of an image and a very clear resonant voice that told me he would turn against me. I decided that I was being paranoid because of what I had seen my sister have to survive. There were other warnings I received. . . some from friends who knew my husband before I did, one from an employer who asked if I was returning to work because I was looking for a new husband. My mother warned me when we sold the car in my name that I was being isolated, I had no previous evidence that he was domestically abusive. Our relationship at that point was good. I was warned again after I told my mother that the house we just bought was only in his name. He had sprung that one one me at the last minute after I asked why I wasn't signing with him. We had a big fight in the car about it on the way back to the apartment we had already given our 30 day notice to. He had me sign a paper that said I had no interest in the house, if I didn't sign it, the house would go into foreclosure because the loan would fall through. My sister told me to get a go bag together and start taking notes. Even as I clawed and scraped to keep our marriage together I never imagined that it was as bad as it was until I was removed from the situation and could step back to see what had manifested. SO this is what has been going on:

On September 11, 20012 my husband came home and jerked me out of my sleep. He held me down and as I struggled to get away from him he had his way with me and then went to sleep without a word as I cried. The next day I was furious. I went to my neighbors house in tears and when he asked what happened I couldn't tell him. I couldn't believe it had happened. I was afraid, ashamed, and was left wondering what I did to deserve that sort of treatment. I watched an episode of Twilight Zone with him and went home. I called my Mother and asked her to come pick me and the kids up and then later in the after noon after trying several times to pack bags for me and the kids I had talked myself out of it and convinced myself that it was all a terrible mistake. I was wrong. . . I should have kept packing. My husband made no admission to any wrong doing and to this day denies he committed evil against me. Everyone around me knew something was terribly wrong.

The next year dragged on. I became sick at the drop of a hat and, in fact, two weeks after my husband raped me, I had a heart attack sitting in my neighbor's living room. I walked home that night, no ambulance called, no understanding of what had just happened. You see, women experience heart attacks differently than men. The next morning I decided I didn't get to ignore what had happened and started looking up the symptoms of what I experienced. After discovering it was a heart attack I made a doctor's appointment. My husband took me. I now realize he went with me to be certain I didn't report being raped.

During the next year that I tried to 'fix' what couldn't be fixed. I endured my husband threatening me at the stupidest things. I was in the car with him one evening and on the news flash blurb there was a mention of yet another child who died in a hot car because a parent left the child in the car. I remember saying I didn't understand why people do that and my husband's mood suddenly shifted on me. His tone frighteningly menacing. He told me he would end me if I ever did anything like that. There were several different occasions he threatened me in this manner. It was all I will end you, I will make your life hell and I will destroy you. It was shocking and frightening. I didn't know what was happening with my husband. I began to think maybe this was his writing partner's influence. She had always given me a grave sense of dread any time she came over.

I began to oscillate between deep despair and anger. I had no idea what was happening to me. I couldn't make it stop. I meditated, I did reiki on myself, but I still couldn't bring myself to tell anyone what had happened to me. Everyone around me knew something had happened. I began to not be able to eat and the chronic pain aspect of my fibromyalgia became increasingly difficult to handle. I dropped 30 pounds in about a month and a half. I went from 120 lbs to 90. When my mood would swing I would ask out loud what was wrong with me and my husband responded with a cold: I think you are done. Done???? Done with what, but by this time I was afraid of what he would do. His mood had been cold and sinister at the time. I was suffering from battered woman syndrome and PTSD unbeknownst to me at the time. On September 11, 2013. . . Oya showed up. It wasn't until much later that I would understand why. I think her presence may have saved my life. She showed up because not only was my life in danger, I was willing to handle everyone else's sexual assault but my own.

The day I was served with divorce papers my husband had cut me off from the world. He disconnected my cell phone. I received one final text from a friend who had a weird feeling and thought she should see if I was okay and the next thing I knew my phone wasn't working. I tried to get online and discovered that the server name had been changed to "connect so I can hack you" and the password changed. I thought that it was the work of someone else. I had no idea it was my husband. I managed to get a hold of my oath mother and friend who took my to my husband's place of work to get some billing information from his laptop so I could fix the mess. He was not there. I had this sinking feeling. I was wondering on the trip home if I had caught him in an affair. Not long after I got back to the house, I was served divorce papers by a man in a white ball cap. I was reminded of the horrific short films my husband and his partner made about killing his wife and my oath mother told me to pack what I could and get out. We waited for the children to come home. The school buses came and left. No children of mine got off. The papers said he was asking for everything. . . the kids the house, the car; our things all of them he was demanding. ( and the courts gave all of those things to him in spite of the fact this is a community property state.) I stared at the floor wondering if it was even real as I called my mom and told her where I would be. She picked me up a couple hours later and brought me to Tucson. I sat in the passenger seat in utter disbelief. My husband was my enemy. After Thanksgiving, I was served with an order of protection at my parent's home in Tucson. My husband claimed that he was afraid I was going to commit an act of domestic violence against him.

It wouldn't be until December 13th that I would see my children. My husband had taken them out of school and sequestered them at his girl friend's house the day he had me served. I was December 31st when I discovered for true that my husband had been having an affair with his writing partner since 2009. My sister pointed out all the signs and I thought I had died inside. It wouldn't be until January 4th that my daughter would tell me that she had been spying on my for the last two years via text for her father. She related to me how he had told her I was the reason she was being bullied at school and how he told her he was afraid I was going to kill him and hurt her and her little brother. He told her I was an alcoholic, a drug addict and mentally unstable. He told her that I was going to accuse him of sexual harassment. She sat there in tears, afraid I was mad at her and that the divorce was her fault. January 4th was also the first time I got to have my children stay with me. To this day I only see my children twice a month for the weekend.

I am still fighting for my children. . . they should not be with a man who performs psychological, emotional, and sexual abuses. I fear what he will do to our daughter. He is already trying to emotionally manipulate her. He has tried to turn our children against me. I feel like there is so much that I have left out of this horror story including the injustices within the family court system. I know I haven't talked about the shell game he played with our money and the assets he's hidden, and the things he has told other people about me. He left me with no resources for a lawyer while his girlfriend paid for his and she plays mom to our kids. It's like he sold not only his soul to her, but our children as well. I am still trying to find a lawyer who can help me. I have rattled all the chains and all that is left are people who expect payment. .  not that I blame them. Everyone has bills to pay, but a woman with no job and no money can't afford to pay a lawyer for the proper defense in court. . . just like he planned.

You see not only do abusers never stop. . . most of them plan their attacks. My husband sees himself on the brink of success and he can't afford to take the woman he abused along with him. It would ruin his image and it's all about image. I am continuing my counseling and I am getting acupuncture treatment for the PTSD. I am slowly recovering. I am working toward vindication.

I asked my mother what the purpose of all those warnings were if a domestically abused woman in the moment doesn't believe them. She told me that sometimes a thing must take its course and the warnings are to soften the blow so you can survive. She would know, she's psychic herself and has tried to shift things over her life's experience. But mostly the effect was to soften the harshness to come. I survived this, but now I want to thrive with my children at my side. They shouldn't have to live with an abuser.

I don't share this for pity. I share this as an illustration that Domestic Violence can hide in any home. Be aware of the signs. . . seriously. I am not going to post them here because I know that making you do the work will make you remember better. It's like when I was a kid and I asked how to spell something. Dad would tell me to go look it up. After I did, I remembered it better a whole lot better. So go; get on google, bing, aol whatever it takes and type in " signs of domestic abuse" "Symptoms of a psychopath" go now. . .  flee fly flo! It could be your sister, mother, daughter you are saving!

Ohana

I know I have been quiet for some time, with good reason. My husband is divorcing me and I feel like he has dropped me on my head after ripping out my heart, stomping on it and then spitting on it. I have been a stay at home mom for the last six years and this has left me destitute, without the children, and unable to afford a lawyer.  The way this has been conducted suggests a long planning time. We were supposed to be getting marriage counseling. . . not a divorce. So now here I am, kicked out of my home and without anything to my name. He's taken out an order of protection against me unjustly stating that he fears domestic violence when, in fact, he was the one who committed evil against me. I thought I could heal, but I underestimated the potency of the poison he poured into us. I should have left him when this happened. I know that, but I genuinely thought we could heal this together, but he claimed at the time and to this day he can't recall what happened that night. He left me with no one to talk to about this. I was ashamed it happened. The more I look at this marriage now, the more I think he wanted out, but his Catholic upbringing would not allow it unless I were a threat to his and or the children's security. Hence, the false pretenses at the hearing for the order of protection the other day. I think he deliberately and diligently is trying to smear me into the earth. I think he cultivated this moment. I think he cultivated anger in hopes of provoking a violence that would never come. I think he had help devising his plans.

There is deception here, lots of it. I have been smelling it for quite sometime and I have not been able to put my finger on it. I never knew it was so close or intimate. He did a great job in dodging and hoodwinking me with a sense of logic that eased what he called my paranoia. I guess I am not paranoid. Just plotted against. It turns out my intuition and the cards were correct. I thought that I was seeing with a veiled eye because of the fear I was steeped in. I really thought I was just being paranoid after what happened to my sister.

My answer to all of this is a simple healer's answer right now, try to see if there is a possibility of healing. Hopefully, I can call him back to himself. He has changed since working with his partner quite a bit. He went from family values to business needs values. I need to see if he can come back to himself, to us, to family. My family must think I have lost my mind, but I still have my sanity cup firmly in hand whispering words of healing. They have been amazingly supportive emotionally and I have been surrounded by amazing healers gently helping me pick up my heart. I am going to counseling to help me. I think it's the first thing I have actually done for myself in a long time. Everything has been about the family.

Is this the shamanic death I was told was coming? Very possibly. What ever happens here, whether we work it out and find us again or not, I am irrevocably changed. I am grateful for this experience. I know that sounds strange, but I have known and experienced light and goodness. . it has been imprinted upon me. Now I know darkness and evil. It has touched me and yet I remain, heart broken, but I am still here. Knowing and experiencing something are two very different things. Knowing is sort of an abstract external thing where as what I have experience goes beyond the mind; it has been branded upon my soul. As I move forward from here, there will be no more doubt about the evils of this physical reality. I will feel it to my essential core and not wonder if I am being paranoid. I also know that my faith is not a hobby. I speak to the Gods about this and what this is. They keep encouraging me to move forward and not sit still; continue the work, they say. Adhere to the old ways. Walk a path of love, honor and order. Somehow this, whatever it is and whatever the end result, will be okay. The world is not over and neither am I.

So right now yes, I have been made homeless and destitute and robbed of my children, this will heal and we will all move forward. I intend to do so with grace and integrity in spite of the dirty play and deception I have been shown for my years of helping my husband building a life he desires.

I am sorry I have been distant and I will probably be more silent than usual, but know that I am healing and grateful for the company you all have kept me here on the interwebs. It has kept me close to who I am and what I am about. Somehow, in my marriage, I went from serving others to self sacrifice. I don't know how or when that happened, but I am changing that. I am owning this because I must if I expect to learn from this fallen tower. I have allowed my husband to dig me a grave and put me in it in the name of family. I have allowed him to profane the word family. Family is supposed to mean love. I love him too much and too well.

Now it's time to reclaim the true meaning of family and try to heal this if I can, if I can get him to want  to heal too. What he did to us is a double edged sword. That night he sliced me, he also sliced himself.

 Ohana: no one gets left behind or forgotten.

Family means love.

Love makes things grow.

Suffer not the company of fools

The Tower Card has been making a very clear point. Suffer not fools. It's been a painful lesson to be sure. There have been people whom I have had to leave on the ground in the heap which they fell. Most of whom have been the type of person who fights to fight, deliberately misinterprets your words and intentions, and uses their personal biases and issues as a weapon against others. I have had experience with this sort before. This particular person would stir up the shit to get me all emotionally worked up in what ever manner possible and then feed on that energy leaving me a husk to sort out later. It took me a while to figure this out, but I did and moved on. Well as you would have it, the Universe sometimes does a pop quiz.

I was uncertain that it was happening at first so I spoke to my Matron Goddess to get some advise and clarity on the situation. She gave me a technique to work to keep the cords from coming back. She then stepped back to see what I would do. It was the same couple of frequencies, meaning the same two people. One of them just kept coming and it was astonishing when I followed it home. I was very disappointed to say the least.  I thought that by being gentle with this person I could move around and block the tendrils that grabbed at me. I spent a bit of time gently dodging, but this person was having no of gentle and I was always exhausted after the dodge ball game. I know that I have a tendency to err waaaaay over on the other side of Oh I am being paranoid. The situation generally gets to a level of ugly that is undeniable before I act and then the real ugly comes out. Well it's ugly out there.

There are reasons why witches should choose their company carefully and sift out the obvious fools:

1) dabblers grabbing at power: dangerous to both parties
2) sabotage: will try to sink you to suit their ego
3) easily filled with fear: fearful people do frightful things
4) Control freak: help you with one hand and smack you with another to keep you in line. They will frequently tell you what you shouldn't do.
5) fighting to fight: these people don't care about facts, feelings, or anything else other than the energy they stir up to feed upon. There is always a fight and you are always exhausted after.
6) Drama Queens and Kings: attention getting buggers who use their issues as a bludgeon against everyone including their family and friends and then attack you for your lack of compassion when you no longer put up with their bullshit. They aren't always psy vampires, but they are exhausting. Every ounce of your attention must be on them or the world is ending and you must agree with every word that comes out of their mouth or they cannot abide by your company. These types generally take care of themselves.
7) Demagogues: very dangerous sort of fool. They are usually intelligent and have an agenda. They will try to squish you if you oppose them. Bring out the big guns on these guys because WOW.
8) Liars: to get a working from you on their behalf they will tell you only what they want you to hear and lie about the rest to get even with someone else. This is one reason why divination is important before doing a working on behalf of someone else.
9) Bad advisers: sometimes out of the goodness of their hearts they give you completely and totally bad advise and direction then sometimes add: I'll pray for you.

I am certain there are denizens of fool types I am missing, but I am certain you get the idea.

Witches are not the only people who have problems with these types, but they present special problems for us seeing as how beloved we are to society and all. They drain us of vital energy and take our attention away from what is really important. I know that there is an Audrey Hepburn quote about not throwing people away, but I don't see this as throwing people away. I see it as letting them go else where. Be aware to not call these types friend. You may not be able to avoid them completely but you can avoid letting them into your inner circle. Alas, sometimes you find someone you have already let in is a complete fool. . .  distance distance distance. The only thing here I can recommend is a bit of graceful avoidance. Make it about you. Your plate is full, you have to take care of yourself, etc etc etc. However be warned: there are those who will claw at you and keep poking at you to get a reaction or an apology or any other piece of energy from you while they can. The really insidious ones will attack you verbally and emotionally and maybe physically to prevent you from taking away their food supply of your energy. These types are difficult and painful to extract.

At this point in time, I have decided that everyone else I meet in real life from this time forward will be screened even more heavily before I decide to tell them I am a witch. Like it should really matter at all or anything, but I am also aware that I could be setting myself up for more disappointment when someone decides they don't want to be friends with a witch and I am already emotionally invested in the relationship. Risks risks risks. It's the way of the world and I guess I have chosen mine.

Not all of the Tower falls when lightening strikes. . .

. . .only that which is unstable. 

It was a month ago the Lightning Struck Tower showed up on the horizon. At least I know where I am. I just had no idea that this time around that I would be playing the part of the Tower itself. Wow did lightning strike! I remember being warned that things will fall: some will just drift away in the turbulence and some violently. Nothing was to be picked back up when it fell and there were things that were most important to hold at my core and protect. I am still watching this thing unfold. I should feel more nervous, but being forewarned makes it easier to be ready for slippery ground.

" I'll show you things," She said. She didn't say they would all be pleasant. All of it important. All of it relevant. We have bickered about how best to execute the task, but this is what happens when the mail person hands you squished mail. I am now even more firm in my assessment of the statement put before me by an action of the Dalai Lama. He refused to bless a temple because it had no library. Without my library or helpful librarians, I would be in a world of hurt. Especially with all the barracudas out there calling themselves sharks. I know a few sharks. They have better manners.

I am working into this new relationship with a new mail man so to speak. She is a rough rider and introduced herself with an 8 1/2 hour cat on a hot tin roof act that nearly dropped me on my head: on September eleventh! I'm not sure, but I think I may have been an amusing toy at the moment. I know without a doubt if she really wanted to She could have snapped me up fast and rode my little meat bag into the ground. This is something that at first I thought was going to be left untalked about, but I am being poked from all realms of faery to talk not only about this but them. 

All of these strangenesses are now so many in number and so frequent and seem to have a real effect in the dense world that I can no longer see these things and think they are something I have made upon my imagination.  I have received validation of this point time and again from the dense world itself. People keep reminding me: "you aren't crazy, that really happened." I give up! 

I give up searching for my sanity cup. It can stay good and planted where it is because I am holding it and filling it with soul tea. I give up not trusting my eye when it sees something. They are there and they have a profound effect on this dense place in spite of the fact they do not live here. I give up people who ask if I need to go take my meds. They do not know what they do not know and that's just fine. I do not know the things a rocket scientist or a history professor knows and that's okay. I am neither of those things. And besides that: Really??? Who the fuck is anyone other than a qualified expert to judge whether a person needs meds or not? And if you are not that expert, then I suggest you check yourself because you are also not Gods.

I have taken the quiet moments in this parade of Spirits and ancestors to go in and work the work given me. I can see the efforts beginning to take root. . . I suppose when I come tripping into spring as I usually do, I will see green little hair sprouts rise as long as the work is done well. I have faith that I can get the work done well. Other workings as such have come to bear fruit. I am finding that I tend to take the long route when ever possible. . . ugh. Okay, well maybe not entirely ugh. I do have the most excellent adventures.

For example: I went to the Dancing Chicken House to see that a new structure had been placed there. I knew it right away to be the goat stable. Yes. . . a giant goat at that with flaming nostrils and lightning breath. The last few years I had been sick sick sick at this time ( so glad I'm not right now) and the ride was forbidden to me. I ran out to greet my friend and we saddled up to go see another friend who must be greeted up on top of the mountain peaks where the winds whip. I didn't really have anything I wanted to ask or say to my very large friend when she dropped out of the sky. ( The first time she did this I almost fell on my face and then off the mountain.) I told her I didn't know why I was there other than to say hi. She knew that. If very large predatory birds could smile I think she did. She gave me something that I was told to give to a friend of mine before I left. I'm still a little floored by the gift. I know that he will be ecstatic to get it. I don't remember the rest of the trancing, but I felt a peace wash over me that I know can only come from the blessings of the faery realm.


One more thing:

Don't argue with anyone who is committed to misunderstanding you.

Fear the copper pennies!

I may be delusional, but I think Autumn may have more than a two week shelf life out here this year. The evening is chilled enough for me to think that a long sleeve is a good idea and that strange 'cold clarity' that comes with that chill is slowly rising out of a mirage stricken pavement.

My ancestor working beads came in and I quickly went to work making ancestor connection talismans. The first one goes to my witchling who is actively learning to walk in a 'crooked' manner. The rest go out from Odd soon to seek others ready to do the work. Samhain feels thick this year. I know that sounds like a paradox, but I think I have pin pointed the feeling upon review of the situation. It's plain old 'I'm addicted to fear and if I can't have real fear I'll make some.' Really there are loads of people who make their weather and cry about the rain. That's all this is. It's like grow up class got skipped or something.

I have been at least observant of the pagan online community for quite some time *shudder* and every single year as the equinox rolls through there is this crazy voice decrying how evil we are for praying over candy in spite of the fact that they pray over candy as well. Quite frankly, I am nauseated to boredom on this subject but I dare not take my eyes off of fanatics lest they do the standard desperate we are right and if we are not we will crash the plane in spite thing. True story. . . it happens.

So my solution to all this insanity is to pray over the candy. EVERY BLASTED SINGLE BAG OF IT I COME ACROSS!  Yesssssssss! Even and ESPECIALLY the candy corn because I'm a bitchy faced witch right now. If the fanatics are going to bang the fear mongering drum as loud as they possibly can with out-right bullshit and lies, then I will pray for the safety and preservation of common sense within the innocents they attack. We have seen this behavior in other aspects as well. Remember the Texas Gov's The Response??? Or how about the renaming of the States (my favorite was Throw Jezebel From a Wall State: New Jersey) and reclaiming the District of Columbia as the District of Christ because if it isn't properly Christian  ( in their fanatic eyes) it must be of absolute profane evil. . . like the rest of the world doesn't exist or something like that. . . really children??? . . stop throwing sand in the sand box or you'll get sand in your eyes too.

So here goes:

Holy Mother, 
Divine hand of Providence, I pray that you bless those who receive these sweets be endowed with your grace, protection from the profane, an open eye of wisdom so true discernment may happen, a will to call the hypocrites out on the harmful bullshit as bullshit, and stand firm in their assessment with resolve to move forward toward love. 

Ho O'pono pono Amene


Yes I know. . . it's not the Maleficent I originally intended ( lucky everyone). I actually talked myself out of the Victor style praying tree. . . but there's always next year. Pray I do not alter the magic. Yes go ahead, fear the copper pennies you find in the candy display bins if you want, but if you are smart, you'll pick it up and make a wish.

Just got stranger. . . new cup!

Mabon came in with a bolt of lightening and turned things on their head. Including me. Everything is still facing North but it is all upside down, if that makes any sense at all. I must be feeling the season settle in or some strangeness indigenous to Odd, but I feel a calm even as I know there is a storm coming and it may not be pretty. That is the most Odd thing of all. I am usually spun up emotionally and tempest tossed by the current. Am I sitting on my surf board well finally? I don't know. I just know that now, more than ever I feel compelled to watch carefully everything. I can feel my inner self smell the shifting winds and even though there is a calm hand upon me, I feel a dreadful purpose and it draws closer to us all. I am not left with out hope. Quite the opposite, it feels like grim focus on what it is I need to do to make things right with me and mine.

Three words have been spinning around in my head:

Love
Honor
Order

It rolls through my head like my reiki mantra does while I am working. I feel like I have been struck by lightening as I am going through my daily rituals. Each one has had an added dimension to them with subtle shifts that have shifted some of the meanings of things I grew up with in my pagan witchy career. I still trying to absorb everything in an organic gentle way. I know better to push something like this. Butterflies must open by themselves lest harm comes to them and prevents them from flying.

I have been quietly witnessing the shifts I have seen happen in the online pagan community. Once respected voices have fallen away in either frustration or disgust. There is behind the scenes gossip girl  behavior that makes my bottle of gossip girl gag want to find bottom. Name calling, finger pointing, personal attacks. . . blah blah galah. AAAAAAHHHKK!


NEW EFFING CUP!

I am sorry those voices have felt compelled to leave the general online pagan community. Those voices will be missed, but I understand the need to step back and gather oneself. I wish them fair travel winds and sweet water enjoy your journey and come home when you are ready. I will be waiting patiently for you at any rate.


I don't know how close to the surface I am going to be this year as the Samhain Gods come to call me to my work. I feel some thing very deep below calling my name and I am compelled to respond. I will try to be in touch with the world via twitter, but you all know how my blogging becomes at this time of year.

One more thing to remember:

She who stirs the cauldron is not the slave.

Names have been called. The Land of Odd just got stranger if that is at all possible.

Close your eyes and look up.

Press Play

I can feel the Gods rouse to their time on the year wheel's stage. His hooven feet start to scrape and echo; I feel it in my bones. It's a sort of thing that resonates like a gong only it comes from within.  It won't  be long before the magic chore whoring for the season begins and I volunteer for the annual kidnapping. Yeah, sure, I'll stir that for you. ( note to self. . . don't touch anything and don't taste anything!)  If you close your eyes and listen to Panoramic from the Book of Eli score, you can get an idea of what that pull feels like.

Breathe Deeply Through your Nose

I think I am in love with the way that sound feels. I reminds me of the pull of gravity. It's not the gravity that pulls you down here on this well we call Earth, but the pull of our personal sun star. That piece of ourselves that is both manifest and ethereal; I call that center and I do see it as a star. I think I see my center as a star because I grew up with my Father telling me that I was made of star stuff.

The sound that I crave to hear often comes as something that, at first blush sounds, empty and lonely. It is this sound that makes me seek out its source and I always come back to me and when I am at my most still I can hear that my whispers are not being echoed back at me, but whispers from something far more immense in measure and wisdom. Most of the time I don't remember the words. The words were never important. It was that peace that washes through me in that moment. Maybe the words and wisdom and imagery were indeed all in my head, but there is also, in fact, a physical response to what my brain is experiencing.

Many years ago, a friend posed this question: how would you feel if you were the last person to see the last of a dying star's light? I was sad at first and told him so. The question has pitter pattered behind me with it's mark still dancing in my mind. The emotional response has shifted over the years, like a snake that sheds it's skin to reveal a new understanding of a larger body. I have come to an understanding that the reason this sound feels lonely at first is because it is the sound of light traveling to a specific destination though a vast ocean. Light years. . . that's a long time to measure by earth human standard. Everything would echo in your soul. There's no where else for it to go. If I am made of star stuff and I am the custodian of the last of the light from a star, wouldn't I be moved by the sound of its travels?

This has been your visit to Odd.

Peace.

And remember that you are made of star stuff too.