Friday, December 21, 2012

The Slavs are coming and boy are they pissed.

There are no altars this year. I've torn them all down and replaced them with poison plants. There is a Christmas tree and other acceptable holiday decorations. Yule is not here.

I find it amazing and I am beyond anger that I am expected by my in laws to respect their religious beliefs and family values while they regard both me and my beliefs as evil. It's been 13 years, I think I am done. I am heartsick that after all this time my husband can not help me find a solution. His solution has always been ignore it, it will blow over and they will see what a great person you are. Well, I am into 13 years of: oh it will get better. It's not better. And I realize that I have been relegated to the corner as the family member that is openly ignored because she is not like us, but make sure to wish her a Merry Christmas anyway. Now, I am angry and inconsolable. I am angry at myself for believing in my husband's optimism.

I started not showing up to holidays and family events, but I fear I have given them just what they want. My absence. They get to look at their shiny grandchildren and forget the evil one who bore them. Every Yule for 13 years, I have been given pain without the courtesy of a pretty box or ribbon I can later reuse. My husband expects me to not only be okay with that, but to behave and then when it comes up he asks: are we gonna go here again??? He says that because he doesn't know what to do, so doing nothing is his answer. I think he actually got miffed at me when I demanded the kids stay home with me this year while he goes to his parent's house. I would actually like to spend the holiday with my children this year instead of my friends' kids. It would be nice if he would stay home with me, but his mother's umbilical cord is still attached. Actually, of late, everyone else's opinion weighs more than mine.

Well, if he's not miffed at me for requesting the presence of my children in my little pagan evils, he will be now for publicly broadcasting that there hardships in marriage where two religions are observed. Hex, he may be angry at me for hinting that marriage is hard period. Actually, there is a part of me that thinks he is just waiting for the socially acceptable moment to divorce me ( kids all grown and or he makes it big and can afford a nanny.) It makes me feel used, that thought, like our marriage is a sham. There is a part of me that wants to say he has a LOT of sucking up to do, but that would just involve meaningless trinkets and other BS. I don't want material crap. I want my husband's heart, his respect, admiration even. I want to feel like I actually matter rather than a convenience who knows where all the milk sales are and can spell well. I want to know that he actually understands the meaning of the words coming out of my mouth. I want to know that he sees me. I thought that was all stuff I earned when he  asked me to marry him.

We had a really large blow up a few weeks ago.  Actually, I think I did. It's the same argument, but more heat, another year's layer of pain being anticipated. I packed bags, emptied bags, repacked bags, threw bags. I took our wedding rings and threw them into the dark abyss of the deep sea trunk I inherited from my Grandmother. Good luck finding them. This was the same day I tore down all of my altars and packed everything away. My position was: FINE! I will never inconvenience you with my religion again. I miss my altars, but I am too stubborn and angry to put them back up right now. When I made commentary about putting them back up, he made the comment that he never told me to take them down. It came out in a self righteous tone that made me want to go find a punching bag. I hope that's not what he meant; it only fueled more anger that he either thinks has evaporated or he is ignoring because he doesn't know what to do.

I am going to have my Feri Feast, drink my sugarplum faery vodka and make glogg. I will do this all without my husband or his blessings. I am going to listen to those who have walked before me and figure out what I am going to do. Doing nothing is not an option. I have been 13 years of waiting for a solution or maybe just a scrap of hope. Most of all, I will be teaching my daughter that THIS SHIT IS PURELY UNACCEPTABLE and never marry a man who tries to hand you his heart while it's still ruled by his mother.

This post is not about pissing my husband off, although I know it probably will. It's not even about venting. It's more of a cautionary tale about what happens when you combine religions and marriage. It's hard all by itself to blend lives together in a functioning unit. It's harder when there is no emotional support or even acknowledgment that something is wrong. While I know my husband loves me and I know that I love him, this hurdle is hard to get around and I suppose every marriage has at least one very large boulder on the path. This one is ours. . . or maybe just mine.

I hope that your Yule is happy and bright and looks nothing like mine. This has been your cautionary tale. Pass it around and do not repeat.

Blessings.

13 comments:

  1. I don't do christmas in any fashion and am more than happy that I don't.

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    1. Nice comment.

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    2. My husband is Catholic and therefore Christmas is a big thing for him. If respect is to be earned it must also be given.

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  2. *many hugs* from another who must needs Work undercover, in order to maintain my relationship with my grandchildren. 'Subversive' I am, subversive I wish to install in my grandchildren.

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    1. I am so glad the there are subversive Grannies like you out there sweets. I'll taken tips on doing that for when I'm a Granny ;)

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  3. Wow, sorry to hear what you are going through on one hand, while proud to hear another woman is standing up for her beliefs (despite your flip flopping.) It's okay to flip flop, it means you are considering if what you are doing is right or not, if it is ethical or moral or not. You have every right to choose if your children celebrate a holiday with someone or not. They are your children, and you are most likely their caregiver. You have every right to celebrate Yule (Still). You can celebrate it today, at dinner. Light a candle say a prayer, make a small charm with food. Tell your kids a small story. Toast to the coming forth of light into the world, and blow out the candle all together.

    About your family (I mean in - laws) we've all have had our share of family problems. There wouldn't be a problem if you didn't care about them or your husband. Obviously you love your husband and don't feel he is reciprocating the same amount or quality. I really don't know what to tell you about that, besides follow your heart and intelligence. But about your spirituality I do have a bit of advice and a couple of links for you. Your spirituality is your spirituality - actually you are made of spirit and everything you do is done by spirit and flesh, you are spirituality!

    I suggest you buy yourself a copy of The Holy Book of Women's Mysteries by Zsuzsanna Budapest very soon. It can be a present you offer yourself. I found one inexpensive on Ebay for myself. She is profoundly inspirational and a legend amongst us woman of the new century. Her book title Grandmother Time is great for what you are going through too. She speaks of reasons why marriage is this way with traditional men and their parents and why society is the way it is and support traditional patriarchy. But you see you have a right to be happy too, and you don't have to compromise your happiness for someone else to feel okay. I can assure you, if you are a mother and you are unhappy with what is going on in your children's lives, it matters a lot, and you shouldn't compromise for their grandmother's holiday cheer. She should compromise for yours. She had her turn at mothering small children it is now your turn. She should be there to support you and your organization that you set up as a family. It is your immediate family.

    Here's a couple of links:
    http://witchesandpagans.com/Pagan-Culture/Pagan-Family/

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=kgU4RrhFmDE

    https://www.facebook.com/sbacoven?ref=ts&fref=ts

    Hope this comment helps to cheer your heart a little. I think things will get better for you. By the way I follow your blog and its on my google reading list. Thanks for writing and sharing your story with us, and being so open about your life. Happy Yule, and New Year.

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    1. Thank you for the links and the book Suggestions. Actually Z's book was the first one I bought when I was a baby witch ;) I still have it in easy access and it looks like it may turn to dust if I so much as look at it.

      your comment does indeed help. Thank you.

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  4. Thank you for standing up for what you believe in! You're brave, and I want you to know that you are a big encouragement for me, even though I'm simply one of many readers.

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    1. I don't feel so brave right now. Just tired and ticked, but thank you. I hope this piece of my life can warn others from making this mistake. The mistake being: if there is a problem, fix it quick, optimism and waiting for it to blow over. . . those are excuses made by people who are afraid to piss people off who desperately need to be pissed off.

      I hope I have done some good here.

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  5. I won't give much advice, for the simple reason that I am a stranger and don't know the details of your entire marriage. What I will say is that please make sure that you think things through and don't make any decisions in anger or haste. Mostly because your decision won't just affect you and your husband. I do know what this is like. My husband is a Christian, and while we visit his family I have been asked to not bring up my beliefs. I am okay with this, now, because after many explosive fights, I am able to live my beliefs freely within our own home. He even asks questions and is quite supportive now.
    I hope that things work out for the best for you, whatever way they may go. May your deities be with you in your decision making and lead you along the path that is right for you.
    Blessings,
    Stephanie

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  6. I just found this, N. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Call me if you need to talk. Love you!

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  7. I've only just found your blog and, though your situation is quite sad, your writing is captivating and I'm eager to read more. Thank you so much for sharing this.

    Although we don't know one another and you live in another state (I'm in PA), if you showed up on my snowy doorstep this December, you and your children are more than welcome to our Yule feast and rites!

    May the Gods shelter you and bring you strength,
    Quill

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